criminalminds | Fic: The Care and Feeding of the BAU According to Penelope Garcia, G, gen

Title: The Care and Feeding of the BAU According to Penelope Garcia
Author: Hagar
Rating: G
Summary: excerpts from Penelope Garcia's Handbook of Profiler Handling.
Notes: drabble-based; written as part of the

purimgifts exchange (at AO3)

Tea

There are twenty-three different kinds of tea in the cupboard (Penelope counted), of which eighteen are Emily's. She'll tell you how to best prepare each if she really is certain you won't make fun of her. She explains really well, but still – if you ask Penelope – no-one makes tea like Emily.

She and Hotch can, actually, talk about tea for hours. Hotch drinks coffee when he needs it, but tea he likes. (The black tea in teabags is his, as is the earl grey.)

Sometimes Penelope puts a pot, and they take hours to figure out that it was her.

Cookies

Brownies are supposed to be above debate. Keywords being, "supposed to be." If Penelope had any doubt that her workplace has Problems, the brownies proved it. Spencer doesn't actually like chocolate, JJ won't eat brownies with nuts and her Derek doesn't think brownies are really brownies without them.

Speculaas. Marzipan dough. Peanut-raisin cookies. Even shortbread. And Penelope refuses to make plain butter cookies. Refuses. So instead, she made a list of everyone's favorite desserts and baked goods of all kinds, and hung it on her fridge.

And then it occurred to her to make apple thins, and all was well.

Alcohol

Mentioning wine to Rossi is like mentioning Star Trek physics to Spencer and equally hilarious to behold . Emily can out-snub Rossi for all that she'll drink anything, though less of it than she'll have you think she does. Derek, conversely, is pickier about his booze than he'll admit to. JJ has twice the tolerance anyone her size should have, which is a source of never-ending amusement. Spencer was the Friendliest Friendly Drunk Ever, before he's stopped drinking. And then there is Hotch, who will only let you watch him have a second drink if he really does trust you.

>Emily

>The thing with Emily, Penelope learned, is that she misleads. You'd think the woman can burn water, but Penelope has statistically significant proof that Emily cooks a mean breakfast. She'll drink anything – enough to amaze Derek – but she can and she has argued wine with Rossi. And speaking of drinking, she drinks less than you think, but that might be because she's a skivvy guy magnet. She swears to being a chocoholic, but truffles won't get you far.

Unless, that is, you lay one on a napkin next to her keyboard, carefully decorated with cinnamon and a sprig of mint.

JJ

JJ has very bad eating habits, if you ask Penelope. Jaje eats what she doesn't like (vegetables), likes what she won't eat (sweets) and physically can't stand greasy goodness, anymore. It takes Penelope time to find the hacks: like butternut squash, which isn't a vegetable in JJ's head and makes a yummy, creamy soup; or fruit tarts, if they're tiny enough; or a scoop of really good vanilla ice cream next to that apple pie; and she makes JJ tahini for the road.

Fic: The Care and Feeding of the BAU According to Penelope Garcia, G, gen

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